Chapter 22

Michael paced the office nervously. Keith, Will and Peter watched him and exchanged knowing glances. They knew he was thinking of asking her this weekend. The evidence of it was in his face, and in the way he became more anxious, and more fidgety, with every minute that passed while he waited for her to appear. He couldn’t sit still for long, and every once in a while he walked out onto the porch and looked in the direction of her cabin. While he was outside, Will and Peter made predictions about what Jesse’s answer would be. Will was sure she’d say yes, but Peter wasn’t so confident - he thought she liked him, but wasn’t sure that she was ready for marriage, after what had happened to her. When they asked Keith for his opinion, he said he hoped she’d say yes, but wouldn’t tell them whether or not he believed she would.
Michael relaxed instantly when he saw her coming up from Ingleside. Her hair was in a ponytail, and to combat the uncommon heat she had discarded her usual baggy sweater and wore a tank top that loosely outlined her growing figure. Her smile melted all his worries away, and he hurried to her side like a man set free. He took her bag, even if it was only a small backpack, and carried it as they walked to his car.
There was a pillow in the passenger seat, “in case you get tired,” Michael said, and she grinned sheepishly. That didn’t stop her from using it, though. She really was exhausted.
He breathed a sigh of relief when they pulled into the empty driveway at Jesse’s camp. He didn’t want to share her again this weekend.
Jesse had to get the key from its hiding spot and made him swear to secrecy concerning the location. They entered the silence of the cottage, she went to put her bag in her room, and when she came out he was lying on the couch, nearly asleep. She laughed, and he opened one eye.
“There’s a bed in the middle room,” she informed him.
He closed his eye and grinned. “No thanks, I’m comfortable here.”
She supposed anything would be comfortable after sleeping on the floor of his aunt’s house, as she assumed he had done last weekend. Nevertheless, she had to at least bring him a blanket. He didn’t stir as she laid it over him. She decided she would invite him to stay here for the night, since there were lots of beds now that her family was gone.
By now she was used to him being here. He seemed to belong to the lake as much as he belonged to Bible Camp; and being alone with him was nothing new. So she didn’t even think of what the world would assume about two young people - particularly a young woman and a man almost four years her senior - spending a weekend alone at the lake. It was just Michael. If anything, she would feel safer with him there.
She was tired too, but couldn’t bring herself to lie down. She’d already napped in the car, and that was enough for one day. Instead, she took a book out to the sunroom, where she read contentedly on the sofa, with her feet up on the woodbox and a cushion behind her neck.
They spent a perfectly lazy day this way, reading, dozing, and occasionally wandering to the kitchen for something to snack on. They weren’t alone so much as together, enjoying the sunshine, the quiet, and the well-earned rest. Michael slept pretty soundly for a few hours, reminding Jesse of her cousin John, who could also sleep in the middle of the day, and also favoured that particular couch. John, though, was 6"4', snored loudly, and woke up grumpy. Michael didn’t snore or fill the entire length of the couch, and he woke up groggy, but smiling, when Dom and Aunt Sandra arrived late in the afternoon.
They brought with them the news that Nana and Papa were away for the weekend. Michael greeted Dom like they were old pals, and soon the plan was to go swimming. Aunt Sandra was appalled that they had already wasted so much of the day inside, but Jesse said nothing. Having a job that kept her indoors, Aunt Sandra probably couldn’t really appreciate how much time they had spent outside all week at Bible Camp.
While changing for their swim, Jesse wondered briefly if she should don the t-shirt she was used to wearing at Bible Camp. She didn’t usually wear it here, with just her family. Her bathing suit itself was quite modest, with a high neckline and short skirt. She thought it was cute, too, black with white trim, kind of like something from the 60's. The t-shirt dragged her down in the water, and though it wasn’t an issue in the shallow bay at Bible Camp, it would be a problem here, where the deep water required real swimming. Eventually she decided that the t-shirt wasn’t for decency’s sake so much as to conceal her roundness from the campers, and therefore wasn’t necessary just because Michael was here.
They jumped in the lake first to get wet, but soon retreated to the sauna. They sat all four on the top bench, quite cozily because four adults was all it would take. Sandra claimed the corner with control of the water bucket, the only one who could wrest the spot away from Dom. Jesse sat next to her, then Dom beside her, and Michael in the other corner seat. Water droplets clung to their arms and legs and glistened on their faces.
“I will never understand the attraction to the sauna,” said Michael, who had just been introduced to the novelty the weekend before. “You deliberately jump into water that is too cold to be swimming in, and then run into this wood hut filled with hot steam, subjecting yourselves to temperatures at which the human body will eventually cease to function. Your skin burns, your eyes dry out, and it hurts to breathe, but you call it fun.”
“The door’s right there if you can’t take it,” Dom taunted.
Sandra looked at her niece. “Don’t tell me you brought home a wimp, Jesse,” she said crossly, but Jesse just looked across Dom to Michael.
“It’s ok,” she said forgivingly, “I never used to like the sauna either.”
“But she shut up about it and took it like a woman,” put in Sandra.
“Yes, but I sat on the middle bench,” said Jesse.
Dom laughed. “Yeah right, till you were what, ten?” He turned to Michael. “You wanna sit on the second row, Mikey?” he teased.
Michael took it good-naturedly. “I can handle it, I just don’t see the attraction.”
“It’s great for the skin,” Jesse said.
“Yeah, and the point isn’t to stay in till you die, just till you’re hot enough that the lake starts to look good,” put in Dom.
“Well, someone should tell your uncles that. Besides, do you really want to trick yourselves into thinking it’s a good idea to jump into icy cold water?”
Jesse could well imagine how hot it had been in here last weekend, with only Michael and her uncles, but she only said, “Sometimes it takes a little extra motivation to take that plunge, even though we know we’ll be glad for it in the end.”
“So you really like the cold water, is that it?” Michael asked.
“That’s the fun part,” said Dom.
“It’s not just cold, it’s a special kind of cold,” Jesse said.
The boys would not let it go at that, but urged her to explain what she meant by a ‘special kind of cold’. Jesse had no choice but to answer, so she gathered her thoughts and spoke dramatically.
“First,” she said, “your skin gets all tingly, and you can feel the heat being drawn out from the centre of your body. Then, just when the last drop of warmth is gone, and you think you’re going to die, all at once the cold goes away. Your body’s given up on trying to be warm, and your insides let themselves become the same temperature as the water around you. You’re like a cold-blooded fish that doesn’t feel cold. That’s the delicious part. But you’re not really a fish, and your body can only pretend to be a fish for so long, so eventually it tries to warm up again. That’s when you really feel cold, and have to go back in the sauna.”
Dom’s mouth hung open. “Wow,” he said, “You really are crazy.”
But Michael’s mouth turned up at the corners. “I know it’s all nonsense, but I find myself believing it anyway. How do you make something like being cold and wet sound so good?”
“It’s not nonsense,” she said distinctively.
“Jesse, I love you,” said her aunt, “but as a doctor I can tell you that it is definitely nonsense. You would die long before your body temperature dropped that far, for one thing.”
Jesse sighed like an exasperated parent trying to explain a simple concept to a group of unappreciative children. “I’m only telling him what it feels like, not what actually happens. That doesn’t mean it’s nonsense.”
“Well it’s certainly imaginative, whatever it is,” said Michael.
Aunt Sandra threw a quarter jug of water onto the rocks, which turned into steam in one spectacular sizzle. As the hot air rose, Jesse breathed through the burn, as she’d taught herself to do years ago. It wasn’t too bad though, and even Michael didn’t seem to mind the heat.
“Have you sold your aunt’s house yet?” asked Sandra.
Michael had been waiting for this opening, but tried to appear casual. “Not yet. I don’t know if we will sell it, actually,” he said, then proceeded more slowly. “I talked to my parents about maybe keeping it. I’ve grown kind of attached to the place.”
This was news to Jesse, but she didn’t say anything.
“Would you live in it?” asked Dom. “Even considering the, uh, previous occupants?”
“My great aunt is gone,” he replied, “and there’s nothing left there to remind me of her.”
“What, didn’t you like your aunt?” Aunt Sandra asked, knowing nothing of the dark conclusions the young people had come to concerning Mrs. Petrick. Sandra had even gone to the old lady’s funeral, and heard nothing but good things about her.
“I just meant that it smelled,” explained Dom. “But it’s all gone now.”
Jesse still said nothing, but there was a smile on her face.
Dom then got a bright idea. “Hey Jesse, maybe he’d sell it to you!”
The suggestion caught her off guard, but Michael grinned. “You interested?”
“Oh, she’s wanted that house for years,” said Dom, as though it were common knowledge. “We’ve all picked out the camps we’re going to buy someday, and that’s Jesse’s. That was before we found out, you know, about the ‘smell’.”
“It’s just a silly thing we do,” Jesse tried to explain. “It would be a long time before any of us could even begin to think seriously about it.”
“Well, yeah, but it’s not like camps on this lake go up for sale every day, either,” said Dom. “And you’re not gonna get another chance at this one in your lifetime.”
“Ignore him, please,” she implored Michael.
But by this time, Michael was very interested in what Dom was saying. “Who exactly has been picking out camps to buy?”
“Well we’ve only begun picking out specific camps this year. Me and Jesse started, then her sisters and Stu and Rachel did last week. This is like, our favourite place in the world, and who knows who Nana and Papa will leave this camp to? They could give it to Uncle Horace and none of us’ll ever be allowed back here. So we figure we’ve all gotta get our own. Eventually, the whole lake’ll be ours.”
“This is really your favourite place in the world?” Michael asked, looking at Jesse.
She just shrugged, unable to deny the claim. “How could it not be?”
“Even better than Florida,” said Dom, who was known for his love of that tropical state.
“Well that says something,” said Michael. “Even better than Disney World?” he asked, again looking at Jesse. She had once raved to him about Disney World, which she’d visited twice as a child.
“Even better than Disney World,” she agreed. “That’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to stay.”
“Why?” he asked impulsively. “Why this place, over any other?”
She shrugged again, not knowing if she could put it in words. “It’s just, home, I guess. My happiest memories were made here. I’ve spent every summer of my life here - it’s familiar. I can dive in the lake without thinking about how deep it is, because this is where I learned how to dive. There aren’t any leaches. I can swim all the way across to the other side. It’s always cold. The air is clean, and you can see the stars at night. What else is there?”
“There’s always beer in the fridge,” added Dom.
“Smack that kid for me, will ya?” said his mother.
Dom just smiled cheekily. “Well it’s true, you adults are such winos. You were here last week, Mike, did any of them look sober to you?”
“You just worry about yourself, mister,” his mom warned, throwing more water on the rocks.
It burned more intensely this time. As the steam rose, Michael gritted his teeth. Jesse tried to laugh at him, but it hurt too much to breathe.
“So, Jesse, you decided yet what you’re doing after camp?” asked her aunt when the heat had lost its sting. Michael listened curiously.
“Not yet,” she answered.
“I thought you were going home,” said Dom. That’s what Michael had assumed, too. He knew her family had moved last year after she went away to university, and she didn’t really like the city, but it was still her home.
But she faltered. “My parents’ house? I don’t know. I guess I don’t have much choice, really.”
“You could always go back to school,” said her aunt dryly, “or go to work and get your own apartment.”
“I can’t go to school. I’d be due in the middle of exams.”
“Well, there’s always second semester,” she said.
Michael noticed the tension in the air but didn’t know what caused it. He did see that Jesse was uncomfortable with the idea of returning to school, and was surprised that her aunt would push her to take on so much at once when she obviously didn’t want to.
“I don’t know, from what I’ve heard it’s hard enough taking care of a new baby without adding school or work to that,” he said.
Immediately the look on Jesse’s face told him he’d said the wrong thing. He glanced at Dom, confused, only to see him shaking his head, grimacing, and his eyes closed.
Aunt Sandra looked at Jesse harshly before she spoke. “So, I guess you’re keeping it then.” She poured about another third of a jug of water onto the hot stove, and seemed unaffected by the cloud of steam that rose up from it.
It took Jesse a few seconds to adjust to the new temperature. She covered her mouth and nose with her hands, trying to overcome her hesitancy to breathe in the scalding mist. After some breaths, she was able to answer.
“Yes, I’m keeping it.”
Sandra’s mouth was set in a grim line. But all she said was, “Well then, I suppose you will be going to live with your parents.”
Her skin was sizzling, and her face felt as though it were on fire. “I have to go,” said Jesse, nimbly negotiating the awkward stairs and flying out the door.
She ran out, in a moment hearing footsteps behind her, and kept going. He called her name, though, and caught her hand. She was spun around and struck full force by the remorsefulness in Michael’s face.
“It’s ok,” she said, panting, before he could apologize. “I would have had to tell them soon anyway. Don’t worry about it. Aunt Sandra will forgive me, eventually.”
He still stood before her, cold and dripping. Worry emoted from every feature, from his shaggy wet hair to his sandal-tanned feet, and all she could think of was making him feel better, so she reached up and hugged him. “I’m ok, really,” she said soothingly, patting his wet back. When she pulled away it seemed to have worked, because he was almost smiling. There was something like regret in his eyes, but they were no longer so mournful. She shivered. “I’ve gotta jump in now, or I never will,” she said, and quickly covered the last few feet of wood planks, and dove in.
She surfaced a short distance from the end of the dock, wiped the water from her eyes so that she could open them, and was greeted by the sight of a body hurtling through the air towards her. She screamed as he cannon-balled a few inches in front of her, sending waves into her mouth. She was sure he meant to drown her.
He bobbed up a moment later, tremendously happy with himself. Instead of yelling or splashing water in his face, though, she gave him an evil glance, then swam away.
Michael followed. She didn’t mean to go very far, but with him beside her she just kept going. They didn’t talk, they just swam. The lake was very calm, the only ripples on its surface caused by waterbugs and the two swimmers. They moved slowly and said nothing, suddenly not wanting to disturb the serene peacefulness that had descended. It was a while before Jesse stopped.
“Look,” she said, motioning with her chin while treading water. “Loons.” There were three, far away to their right in the middle of the lake, but swimming closer. Their black and white patterns almost blended in with the water.
The breathless humans watched silently and patiently while the strange birds came ever nearer, occasionally one of them ducking his head under water for a few moments. When they were quite close, the middle one unexpectedly raised its head and let out a hauntingly beautiful call, accompanied soon after by its own echo off the cliffs. Then another took up the wild song; and the third, stretching its neck up high, lifted his white body out of the water, with his ebony wings flapping, as though to applaud his companions for their awesome performance.
Then it was over, and as the waterfowl glided noiselessly past them, Michael said reverently, “When I hear those loons, I can understand why the Natives believed that animals have spirits.”
Jesse did not take her eyes off of them. Michael’s words rang a familiar chord with her own thoughts. “Sometimes I think they must, because my spirit cries with them.” Real tears were streaming down her cheeks. “It’s one of the few things that can remind me that I have a spirit, too.”
“Well, there must be something to it, then,” Michael concluded easily.
Jesse looked at him, amazed. “Animal spirits are usually a taboo subject for Christians.”
“Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?” he quoted. “It’s Ecclesiastes, though, and there’s a lot of strange stuff in there,” he said with a smile.u Jesse smiled too, but she was getting cold. “We’re in the middle of the lake,” she said. “We can turn back now or go the rest of the way.”
Michael tread water beside her and looked around him, surprised that such a small lake could suddenly look so large. From camp, the mountains on the opposite side appeared to be so close; now the camp looked small, but the hills didn’t look any closer. He worried about Jesse. “I don’t think we should try it,” he said.
Jesse knew he really meant that she shouldn’t try it, but she didn’t argue. She was cold and feeling heavier in the water than usual.
Before they had backtracked more than a few metres, Dom emerged from the sauna and swam out to join them.
“Where’s Aunt Sandra?” Jesse asked him when he came near enough.
“She got called in to work.” He said nothing of the words that had been exchanged between them, before the opportune ring of the pager had called her away.
By the time Jesse’s feet touched the rocky bottom close to shore, she was more than ready to re-heat her bones. The swim was nice, but it was also hard work, going out that far.
The sauna welcomed the three of them into its cozy warmth, and after their next dip, even Michael admitted that he was starting to enjoy it. They took no more long swims, but made a game of going in and out with rapidity. The change from hot to cold, and back again, had an effect on the senses not unlike the rush of a roller coaster, with its ups and downs and sudden turns. They chatted comfortably but briefly in the sauna, quickly forcing themselves out by pouring buckets of water on the rocks as fast as the poor stove could handle them, and then Dom and Michael wrestled in the water while Jesse stood by laughing and cheering them on.
During their last steam, though, when they were all beginning to tire, Michael couldn’t help apologizing for unwittingly breaking the news earlier.
“Do they not want you to keep the baby?” he asked.
“I don’t think they even consider it a possibility,” Jesse responded. “They weren’t happy when they found out I was going to carry it, even. They’ve never said anything to me about it, but I’m sure they tried to convince my mom to talk me into having an abortion.”
“I know my mom did, at least,” said Dom. “You should have seen her when she found out you weren’t going to. She was madder even than she’s ever been at me. She even talked to your mom when she was here about it not being too late for a second-term abortion. I don’t think your mom took it too well. Now my mom thinks it’s your parents that are making you keep it.”
Jesse sighed. “It would be easier to take the criticism if I didn’t know that they actually love me, in their own way. They really want what’s best for me, and it’s hard to stand up to that and say that I know better than them.” She looked apologetically at Dom. “It’s the same thing with the other side of my family, too, only from the opposite end of things. Everybody’s pulling at me. Sometimes I want to scream.”
Michael wondered about this strange family. Last weekend there had seemed to be nothing but love and laughter between them all, despite their differences, and yet here Jesse was giving the most unforgiving speech he’d ever heard from her. The doctor-aunt who had cared repeatedly for Jesse and her baby was trying to convince her to kill it, and was apparently incensed over the thought that she would actually keep it and raise it herself. And Jesse felt the same kind of pressure from the rest of her relations, except maybe from Dom. He seemed to be a trusted friend, at least.

The young people shifted for themselves in the way of supper, which wasn’t difficult. There was a loaf of homemade bread Nana had left for them, as well as leftovers. Jesse rummaged through the fridge and threw quite a few things out that had been left past their prime, sending them with Dom to the garbage at the public beach so her Nana wouldn’t find out.
They played cards while they ate, gambling with nickels and dimes. In the end Jesse came out on top, and Michael, being new to the game, was decidedly the loser. They swam again later in the evening, but it was getting colder and they only lasted for a few short dips. Then Dom, too, had to go, as he had made plans with some friends in a neighbouring town.
“Be good you guys,” were his parting words, spoken mischievously before tearing out of the driveway, spinning gravel as he went.
Michael built a fire for them in the pit by the beach, and they sat around it for some time, talking. Jesse was aware of their conversations growing more and more intimate, as she shared things with him that she might not have shared with anyone else. This afternoon in the sauna was the first time she realized that she’d told Michael her decision to keep the baby before anyone else, even her own family. Her parents and her sisters still didn’t know. But then, they weren’t there to talk to the way Michael was, and it was only this past week that she’d become firm in her resolve. She tended to keep things to herself, and hadn’t wanted to say anything to her family until she was absolutely sure.
Now that her aunt knew, she was second-guessing herself, and Michael was doing his best to reassure her.
“Maybe I’m wrong to think I could raise her on my own, without a father. Maybe I’m stupid to think I could even love her.”
“It seems to me like you already do,” said Michael tenderly.
She was still confused. “I think I do, but can I really know what will happen after she’s born? So many people have told me I won’t be able to love her, that I shouldn’t even try. She’s bound to remind me of him, and I’ll hate her for it.” Her voice quavered and she wrapped her arms around her abdomen protectively. “But I can’t give her up. She’s mine, too, you know. She’s my child, and if I gave her up it would be like he’d forced me into giving away a part of myself, and I’m not going to let him do that. He’s taken enough away from me.” She stopped then, mustering up her composure.
Michael was all sympathy and support, holding her hand as she tried not to cry, listening in awe as she wrestled with her feelings for this child, trying to explain them to him and, he guessed, to herself as well. He couldn’t help wondering at the ‘him’ part - he knew Jesse had been raped by three men, but it sounded like she knew which one was the father.
“Remember, you’re not alone in this,” he reminded her gently. “God hasn’t left you alone. He’s given you a love for this baby and I don’t think he’ll take that away after she’s born.”
At this she laughed, but through her choked throat it came out as a half-sob. “Look at me, I’ve got you saying it too.”
Michael had no idea what she was talking about.
“I don’t really know if it’s a girl. I’m just hoping so hard that it is, I’ve started referring to it as ‘she’. I don’t know anything about boys,” she explained. “I had all sisters. I wouldn’t know what to do with a boy.”
“And?” Michael prodded, sensing that there was more to it than that.
She gave in. “And, if it’s a boy, it will be harder. A girl would be more like me. It would be easier to forget the...the father.” She choked out the last word, hating to bestow such a name on the beast she wanted so much to forget. “I don’t even want to think about what I’ll do if it’s a boy.”
He swallowed. The father. “You...you know who the father is?”
She looked down, not meeting his eyes. “One of the condoms broke.”
There was a second of silence. “You know, my dad predicts the sex of babies,” Michael said.
“He does?”
“He never tells, though, only my mom. But according to her, he’s never been wrong.”
“How does he tell?” Jesse asked, intrigued.
He grinned. “He says the mothers light right up when they’re carrying a girl. They glow, and get more beautiful the bigger they become.”
“And with boys?”
He glanced around before answering, leaning in conspiratorially. “They get ugly,” he whispered.
Jesse had to laugh, in spite of herself.
“I think it has something to do with the male hormones,” he confessed.
She wouldn’t let herself ask him what he thought of her case. Instead, she left the subject, content to leave it for some other time.
“You’re right,” she said, “whatever happens, I’m not alone. God is with me.” She thought about that for a moment as the fire crackled, before continuing. “That’s the most important thing, isn’t it? I mean, we talk about kids being raised by single mothers, the poverty, the problems that come from not having a male role model, but don’t you think God can make up for that?”
It occurred to him that she really just needed to hear another voice, someone, anyone, agreeing with her, offering a little affirmation. “Of course he can,” he assured her, “and he will. You’ll be a great mom. No one could doubt that.”
“You haven’t met the other side of my family,” she said caustically.
Michael raised a quizzical brow.
“My dad’s family are Christians, and they aren’t too keen on single mothers.”
“They don’t think you should keep it?”
“Not as a single person. If I got married, that would be different.” There was bitterness in her voice.
“You can’t be serious,” said Michael.
“Oh, I’m serious. And they’re very serious. My mom’s family are heathens, but my dad’s are not. They don’t believe in single parent families, and the worst part is, because they’re Christians, I feel like I should respect their opinions.”
“But you don’t have to agree with them.”
“No, I don’t, but it’s hard living under their disapproval, more so because I know they really love me, and they do have a point.”
“Well I’m all for two parents, too. But it’s not like this was your decision. It isn’t your fault that you’re about to have a kid.”
“But I do have a choice,” she pointed out. “I’m choosing to keep the baby, and I’m choosing not to get married. So really, the single parent thing is my fault, at least the way they look at it.”
Michael was floored. “Are you serious? They actually said that to you?”
Jesse appreciated his consternation, but had to be honest. “No, they’re not so cruel. They wouldn’t say something like that directly.” She reflected on the ways her father’s family made their opinions known. “I almost think I’d prefer it to all the hints. My Gran keeps trying to introduce me to her friends’ grandsons. Gramps and my preacher uncles have long discussions about how all the evils of society can be linked to the breakup of marriages and the kids that are raised by their mothers. One of my aunts was adopted, too, imagine that. I never even knew it until a few months ago, no one ever talked about it. And all the sudden it’s all out in the open, and everyone’s saying what a blessing she is, and how lucky it was for her that her birth mother was unselfish enough to give her a better life.”
“You’re not being selfish, you know,” said Michael
She didn’t seem convinced.
“You have every right to keep this baby. It’s yours, and I know you’ll be the best mom you can possibly be, and I’ll bet that’s better than most two parents combined.”
She tried to argue, but Michael would hear none of it.
“You know it’s true,” he said, grinning, “you are, after all, the best cabin leader Rocky Bay Bible Camp has ever had.”
This she would not accept. She held firmly that May was the best. “I’ll never even begin to approach her level,” she maintained.
“Well you’re the best I’ve seen,” was all Michael would allow. Then he grew serious. His thoughts had been churning during their brief, lighthearted interlude. “About that marriage thing,” he said hesitantly, “you would never really consider that, would you? Getting married for the sake of your child?”
Jesse’s shoulders slumped, but her jaw was set unyieldingly, and her eyes looked deep into the fire. “Never,” she said, barely above a whisper. Then she looked down at her hands, clenched tightly in her lap. “I can forgive my family for just about anything, but I’ll admit this is a hard one. I was considering adoption, so I can’t really blame them for trying to influence me that way. But they knew how I felt about getting married, and they just totally ignored it. They didn’t consider my feelings at all, and they made me feel guilty for holding on to them.”
Michael sat quietly, waiting for her to explain, and she supposed she had to, now.
“I was never like...like May. She never wanted to get married, she was too independent. I could never handle being alone. I wasn’t strong like her. I wanted someone to take care of me, someone to love me. I suppose most people do. So I started dating in high school, guys from church, mostly. They were all nice Christian boys that my parents approved of. But I always had the feeling that May didn’t, even though she never said anything, until right before she left. She said...she told me never to settle. She said I didn’t need to look for love, because when God sent the right one along, I’d know it. There wouldn’t be any doubt. I didn’t take her very seriously at the time, I thought she didn’t understand because she didn’t want to get married. But then she died.” She paused for a moment, thoughtfully, with only a trace of sadness. “I thought a lot about what she’d said, after that,” she continued. “First I saw my friends differently: they wanted so desperately to be loved that they’d take it from anywhere they could find it. Then I started to see that I wasn’t so different, and I knew I didn’t want to become like that. We were kids trying to convince ourselves that we were in love, and it was all fake. And I realized I couldn’t live with anything that wasn’t real.”
“And you shouldn’t,” Michael said.
She smiled appreciatively. “I never told anyone this,” she admitted.
“I thought you said your family knew how you felt,” said Michael.
“They did, but I didn’t tell them the whole story. When anyone asked about my latest break-up, I just said I didn’t want to date anymore, and as only the very deepest love would ever tempt me to marry, I would likely end up an old maid, and I was quite at peace with it.”
“Quite a declaration for a sixteen-year-old,” Michael commented.
“Quite,” she agreed with a soft chuckle, remembering the book she had borrowed the line from. “But you see I’m almost nineteen, and I’ve kept to it.”
Michael’s eyes softened. “Even now, with the prospect of raising a child alone?”
“More so, now,” she said quietly, honestly. “I’ve seen what men are capable of.”
Something like tears stung his eyes, and he had to stand and turn from her. Jesse looked up in concern, but made no comment. When he faced her again, his voice was gruff.
“Not all of us are like that,” he said. “Some men you can trust.”
There was something wonderfully noble in his words, in his stance, and in his look. It made her so very sad, and so proud all at once. She found her feet, and laid a hand on his arm.
“I know I can trust you,” she said, meeting his eyes. They danced with firelight in the dark, and in an instant she felt a change in them, something she didn’t understand. She swallowed, and her hand, which had been so sure and steady a moment before, was unaccountably trembling.
“Jesse,” he said.
That was all. He didn’t touch her face in a soft caress; he didn’t lift her up and swing her in a wide circle, he didn’t kiss her lips. He just said her name; but in that one word he poured all his love, and everything he felt, and she could not help but hear it.
“Jesse.”
And she knew. She knew that he loved her, and that she loved him. Her hand dropped, but the feeling of his sleeve stayed on her fingers. She stood, that close to him, and searched his face, unblinking. His gaze remained sure. After a minute she took a step back. The question went unasked.
***********************************************************
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” May asked her sister.
“I dunno,” said nine-year-old Jesse, looking unconcerned.
“Well you gotta think of something!” said May, appalled. “You don’t wanna be a bum, do you?”
Wide-eyed, Jesse shook her head. She definitely did not want to be a bum. Whatever it was, it didn’t sound nice.
“Well you better decide quick then,” advised her older and wiser sister. “You don’t have much time left. You’re almost ten.”
“What’re you gonna be?” she asked.
May looked down at her from the pile of cinder blocks she was perched on. There was a wicked gleam in her eye. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Sure I can, May.”
May rolled onto her stomach, so that her face was even with Jesse’s, who was standing below in the shady corner behind their garage. “I’m gonna be a nun,” she said.
“A nun?” Jesse repeated doubtfully. That didn’t sound like much fun. “What do you wanna be a nun for?”
“What do I wanna be a nun for! Don’t you know what a nun is?”
“Course I know what a nun is!” said Jesse indignantly. She had seen The Sound of Music, after all. “What’ll you do when you’re a nun, May?” she asked prettily.
“Well,” said May, for she was dying to tell somebody, “first I’ll go to live in a big old church, probably in Italy or France. That’s in Europe. Everything’s big and old there, and practically falling down. There’ll be fountains and courtyards all over the place, and probably a dungeon, and I’ll sing in a big choir with organ music, and I’ll have my own room.”
Jesse was starting to get interested. She liked the idea of fountains. “Won’t you be afraid of the dungeon?”
“No,” said May. “They don’t use the dungeons anymore, I don’t think. But people will come and ask me to pray for them, and to give money to poor people, and maybe take care of some orphans.”
“And that’s all?”
“No, that’s just for starters, till I learn how to be a real nun. Then I’ll get sent away somewhere, like a missionary.”
“Where do you think you’ll go?”
“Oh, probably somewhere like Africa. There’s lots of tribes in Africa where they don’t know anything about the Bible, or Jesus, or even God. And they speak their own languages, so there isn’t even any Bible they can read, and they go around killing people with spears and eating them, cause they don’t know any better. They’re called cannibals, when they do that.”
“Ohh!” said Jesse. “Won’t you be scared that they’ll kill you and eat you?”
“They might,” said May. “But they’ll probably be too afraid of me. They probably won’t have ever seen a white person before, or anyone wearing clothes, and at first they’ll think I’m an angel or something. That’ll keep them from killing me, until I can tell them who I am.”
“What if they get mad and kill you then?”
“Well,” said May, thinking, “I guess I won’t mind too much, as long as they kill me quick. I’ll go to Heaven anyway. And everyone back here would cry for a really long time.”
“I’d cry for you,” promised Jesse solemnly.
“Would you cry an awful lot?” May asked.
“Mmm-hmm,” nodded Jesse, and even as she nodded her eyes filled up. She didn’t like thinking about this. “I don’t want you to die, May!” she exclaimed, and hugged her around the neck.
May allowed her sister to hold her for a second, then extricated herself. “Don’t cry now,” she admonished. “Wait until I actually do die.” But this only produced new tears, so she tried a different approach. “They probably won’t kill me,” she assured her. “God will protect me, because he wants the cannibals to learn about him so they can go to Heaven, too. Besides, he’ll be taking care of me special, because I’ll be married to him.”
Jesse was shocked. “You’re gonna marry God?”
May became a trifle embarrassed. “Well, not really,” she said, trying to explain a concept to her little sister that she didn’t really understand herself. “But that’s kind of what nuns are - instead of getting married to a boy, they’re married to God.”
“I didn’t know you could marry God. Are all the nuns married to him at once?”
“Well, all Christians are sort of married to God. We’re called ‘the bride of Christ’.”
“Even boys?”
“Even boys. It’s like a, a metaphor. We’re not married to him like you could marry a boy, but it’s a little bit like that.”
“So if we’re all married to him, why do you have to be a nun?” She thought she was starting to understand, just a little bit.
“Well, you know how God’s our father? Good. Well, we’ve got Dad, see, and he’s our father too. So we have two fathers. But have you ever seen God?”
Jesse shook her head.
“That’s cause we have Dad. God lets him take care of us. He just helps out now and then. But if we didn’t have Dad, then God would be our only father, and he’d have to take care of us himself.”
“Would we see him?”
“No. That’s beside the point. But we’d get special attention.”
“I think I’d rather have Daddy then.”
“Ok, that’s fine. But when you grow up, Dad won’t take care of you anymore. You’ll get married and your husband will have to take care of you. So instead of having two Dad’s, you’ll have two husbands, cause God is like your husband too. But if you don’t get married...” May paused here, waiting for Jesse to come to the conclusion herself. She didn’t. She just stared, so May finished. “Then God is your only husband.”
“So you get special attention?” said Jesse, unsure.
“Right,” said Meg, proud of her sister at last. “Very special attention. And I’ll need it, too, if I’m going to Africa. A husband wouldn’t be much good there, the cannibals would just eat him first. But God could stop them from eating me.”
“Oh,” said Jesse. “Then I’m glad you’re going to be a nun. I don’t want you to get killed.”
“Good,” said May. “But remember, you can’t tell Mom and Dad.”
“Why not?”
“Because,” May said in a whisper. “Nuns are Catholic.”
************************************************************
Jesse went through the motions of getting ready for bed that night. She brushed her teeth, she changed into her pajamas, she even read a chapter of Job in bed before turning the light off; but her mind was far away.
Michael. It was Michael. She’d known in an instant that it was, that he was the one her sister had told her to wait for. There could be no other Michael. He was it, she didn’t want anyone else and she never would. The realization stunned her. She wasn’t ready for it. Somehow, she’d been expecting to wait a lot longer.
When she’d stepped back from him, it was like she’d stepped inside herself. She didn’t say much else that evening, though they’d sat outside for quite a while. They watched the stars come out, first one, then five, then more than they could count. Every once in a while he’d say something, and she would listen. Also, she looked at him, but she kept her thoughts to herself. There was something very unreal, and yet very peaceful about it, till the fire was left to die down, and they went inside, and she told him he could sleep in the middle room. And when he said goodnight, again it was as though he had said ‘I love you’.
And now she couldn’t sleep. She lay awake for what certainly seemed like hours. Later she would say she was thinking, but when asked, she couldn’t say what exactly it was that she had been thinking about.